Drink Like An Unicorn?


Too little too late? Probably. I didn’t even get to grab one for my dad, but I did try one myself. A venti. With soy. It was quite the little adventure for my tastebuds.

Let me just start with this: I have maybe 4 Frappuccinos in a year. They’re milkshakes, not a real coffee option. I think I’m comfortable enough with my level of badassery that I can drink one of these bad boys without being labeled though. It’s just a drink after all. The only drink that should come with a condescending look is if you’re chugging rubbing alcohol alone in your bathroom. (If you do that, please seek help.)

So. I ordered one. I wasn’t mad. Taking precautions to ensure a well-made one were key. We all saw the videos of the crying baristas, and I definitely didn’t want to be responsible for the breakdown of a college student. I ordered it over the app from a Starbucks that’s a little less busy than most. I didn’t have to stand there fumbling over my order and there were no witnesses. Muuuwahahaha. Not to mention I ordered it without whipped cream and with soy milk. Healthy unicorn. Well…a lactose-intolerant unicorn at the very least. I loafed around until they forked over the goods. Like a baby alien unicorn descending from the heavens, my drink had arrived. There might have been trumpets and fanfare. Someone might have set a delicate tiara made of unicorn drool on my head. All of this might have happened.


First, the colour. It’s basically radioactive. Of course these photos are edited, but not much, and I actually turn saturation down…so…it’s even louder in person. Like some hi-lighters that were only available in the 90s, that’s what it looks like. It looks like a Saved By the Bell rerun. Amazing.

At first it tastes good. To me anyway. It immediately becomes some sort of vanilla cake with a tropical fruit filling (that’s the mango syrup). I couldn’t place the flavour at the time, but now I think I can. Pineapple upside-down cake. But it doesn’t last. The sour goop hits you in the face like a Warhead from hell.

I like sour candy, don’t get me wrong. There is a very big difference between casually sucking on some sour gummy worms, and injecting a mouthful of unadulterated liquid Warhead into your face. It’s alarming and stomach-turning. Once the sour syrup took over, I threw it away in about 5 minutes.

So there you have it. I waxed poetic on a drink that made everyone shut up about politics for a bit. It was a nice little reprieve from reality, wasn’t it?

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